SELF HELP RESOURCE - Relationships / Marriage


This article gives tips on how to manage those heated moments where it gets difficult to express oneself and it gets difficult to express oneself and even listen to or understand what the spouse has to say.

•    Say what you mean. Don't assume that the other person ought to know how you feel. Avoid sarcasm; for example, "Of course I don't mind if you go out with your friends again" (said with gritted teeth). Your partner gets a mixed message which is confusing.

•    Avoid attacking the other person with 'You' statements, for example, "You are so selfish and irresponsible". They put your partner on the defensive and lead to counterattack: "You're the one who's selfish". Instead use 'I' statements, for example, "I was angry and disappointed when you didn't come home in time to go for that movie". You are stating how you felt, which cannot be argued, and it is also not directly attacking. At the same time you are clearly stating your feelings.

•    Fight Fair. Don't make personal "below-the-belt" attacks. If you know your partner is very sensitive about his/ her height, education or other attributes, don't bring this up in a fight.

•    When either or both of you are furiously angry, take some time to cool off. Go for a walk, take a shower or count to 100 before you discuss the issue. Harsh words said in a fit of anger can never be taken back, and sometimes take a lifetime to forget.

•    Don't hold on to your anger. Tell your partner as specifically as you can about what has made you angry - listen to him / her with an open mind as well.

•    What doesn't help – sulking, taking your anger out on someone else (often a helpless child - or the dog!) , becoming violent - none of these resolve the issue. If you want something to change, you have to talk about the problem.

Fighting (fairly) is good for a relationship. It keeps you communicating, helps you understand each other's needs and feelings better and work out better ways of relating. It adds spice to your life - and making up after a fight can be great as well!

Latest Comments

shreeram123 on 10 Jul 2017, 16:35 PM

Be flexible to honest demands made by your partner. No one is big or noone is small.

DeepSagar on 07 Apr 2017, 08:08 AM

Try not to compare or refer the situations with others, try getting a solution by talking instead of saying Look at XXX or YYY and learn from them.

jtkrishna on 06 Apr 2017, 13:01 PM

Simple words and that helps how to be with our partner in life

jtkrishna on 06 Apr 2017, 13:01 PM

Simple words and that helps how to be with our partner in life...

geekyashish on 03 Mar 2017, 14:52 PM

nice, article

vinodhsankuru on 27 Feb 2017, 16:49 PM

+ Don't bring up the past mistakes + Talk about only the current situation

c0unsel on 10 Feb 2017, 15:12 PM

When I use 'I' to express how I felt, the reply I get is 'that is your problem then'.

Ellen on 08 Nov 2016, 13:58 PM

We are glad that you liked this article. Do you have other strategies that you have tried and have worked?

skrgds on 25 Jul 2016, 05:29 AM

Good one...

shrisarnobat on 20 Jul 2016, 06:06 AM

Thx for sharing the article