Let there be spaces in your togetherness … Love one another, but make not a bond of love … Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone … And stand together yet not too near together; For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.’ – Khalil Gibran.
Re-energizing Your Relationship
Whether you’ve been seeing someone for a while, are living with a partner or have been married for a while, you may seek ways to improve your relationship but may not be able to do so actively. With multiple responsibilities and the fast pace of our lives, it’s understandable why your relationship might feature lower on your priority list. Nonetheless, relationships require ongoing care. Maintaining a relationship is not just about staying together with your partner, but it also involves actively working to keep the relationship evolving.
Doing routine tasks for your partners, like preparing a meal, choosing to buy groceries, helping with dishes, dropping them at work etc., are important and valuable. However, what’s also important is to be intentional about the effort, attention, and work that one puts into a relationship, i.e., using specific maintenance strategies. Research dedicated to studying the science of relationships indicates that one can apply several methods to improve a relationship that has reached a plateau stage.
Here are some signs that indicate the need to use maintenance strategies in a relationship:
- Differences in thinking about a situation have caused one or both partners to express dislike about the relationship.
- Particular topics are avoided by one or both partners in the hope to escape an argument.
- Positive interactions and experiences in the relationship have declined over time.
- Communication tends to be limited to fewer topics that are important and necessary.
- Partners primarily engage in hobbies, interests and ‘fun’ activities outside of the relationship.
If you can relate to any of these signs, you may try the following strategies in your relationship to make it stronger:
Giving Assurance
Feeling safe, secure, and sure about the future is a basic human need. When partners are given this safety, through verbal assurances of love and commitment, it can help them feel more fulfilled.
Tips you can try:
- Show verbal affection- Say “I love you” “I miss you”, use special nicknames, and convey how important your partner is to you.
- Discuss future events and the commitment you have to make them possible.
- Reassure your partner of the role you can take in the present and future.
- Do things actively that show your concern for your partner, for instance, volunteer to do a task for them or gift them a day at the spa after a long work week.
Conflict Management
Having disagreements and wanting to resolve them is natural. However, when a conflict is handled constructively, relationships benefit from healthy communication, transparency, and a reliable, stable environment that both partners can fall back on.
Tips you can try:
- In case of a conflict, first, ask yourself why you’re upset; what triggered your negative feelings at the moment.
- Discuss one issue at a time.
- Convey the reason for you being upset by saying, “I feel _____.”. For instance, “I feel neglected when you come back home late”, instead of, “You always do this. You are never home.”
- Take turns talking. Take time to listen to your partner when they’re talking, and not just wait to give a ‘good’ response to them.
- Take a break from discussing the issue if things get too heated.
- Attempt to reach a compromise.
- Avoid degrading language and yelling.
Practising Openness
Being able to express one’s opinion freely can help one avoid feeling frustrated and irritable in a relationship. Being open could also encourage one’s partner to be more expressive. This can create a space for both partners to be genuine and sincere with each other.
Tips you can try:
- Discuss the details of your day with each other.
- Talk about how you feel about the relationship.
- Disclose your fears and your needs to each other.
- Encourage each other to express your opinions.
- Discuss all the goals that both of you may have.
Prioritising Positive Moments
Each individual is likely to strive for situations and experiences that seem pleasurable. In other words, when something feels good, one would want to have a lot more of it. Hence, pleasant memories with one’s partner would reinforce the need to spend more time together.
Tips you can try
- Incorporate both your and your partner’s interests in your weekend plans. It will be something to look forward to.
- Find movies, TV shows and games that you both find interesting.
- Take some time out in the day to be with each other.
- While spending time with your partner, try not to get distracted by other tasks and responsibilities.
Having A Shared Circle of Friends
Having common friends can help a couple have more pleasant experiences together. Apart from enjoying one’s partner’s public persona, being able to fall back on a common support system can bring a couple closer.
Tips you can try:
- Experiment with different friends – try having meals and going to other events together.
- Plan outings that require more people – a class, a workshop, a picnic or a trek.
- Have a quiet evening at home with friends, where you’re able to relax and have a good conversation.
Sharing Tasks
Partners are likely to feel satisfied when they sense fairness in the relationship. When they feel like both their efforts and benefits are equal, they’re likely to feel more motivated.
Tips you can try
- Discuss roles and responsibilities and whether they are equitably distributed.
- Discuss ‘benefits’ and ‘efforts’ specific to both partners in the relationship, see if there are other expectations that aren’t being met.
- In case of days when either partner is ill or tired, try discussing backup plans for specific tasks.
Do remember that each relationship’s needs differ based on the life stage of that relationship. Therefore, depending on the stage you are in, you may use any of these strategies to build a thriving relationship with your partner.
If you would like to discuss this further or need some help or support in this or any other area, our counsellors would be happy to help.
https://member.1to1help.net/articles/When-Travel-Keeps-You-Apart/MTQw
https://member.1to1help.net/articles/Energise-Your-Marriage/MTI0
https://member.1to1help.net/articles/A-Roadmap-to-Relationships/OTMx
https://psychcentral.com/health/how-to-maintain-love-in-healthy-relationships#Do-things-together
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/effective-ways-to-keep-your-partner-interested#laughter
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How to deal with a breakup? Expert Tips
Suddenly you find out that you are no longer a couple. All the things that you used to do, the places you used to go to, your social life, and even your plans for the future were associated with your former partner. Just getting back to daily life may seem almost impossible. So then, how does one deal with a breakup?
Understanding Your Feelings
Breakups can be incredibly difficult to navigate. Whether you were the one who initiated the split or you were blindsided by the news, it’s important to take the time to understand and process your feelings. This will allow you to heal and move forward in a healthy way.
When you have ‘lost’ a partner, you feel almost as if someone has died – you actually go through an experience that is very similar to bereavement. Feelings of intense anger alternate with longing for your former partner. There is also probably deep hurt and a feeling of betrayal, especially if there is another person on the scene. Some people even feel disgusted with themselves.
There is no ”right” way to feel. Your feelings, as unwelcome as they sometimes are, are part of yourself. They are something to accept and deal with.
Often people around you just don’t understand what you are experiencing. They may say things like “You’re much better off without him/her”, “After all there are other fish in the sea”, and “How long are you going to mope around?” Although they are trying to be helpful, you may be left feeling that no one understands what you are going through.
During a breakup, it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions. You may feel sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief. It’s important to acknowledge and accept these emotions, rather than trying to suppress or ignore them. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up, and remember that it’s okay to grieve the loss of the relationship.
While those around you fail to grasp your experiences, it is natural to feel a sense of confusion. During such moments, several questions may arise in your mind.
How long will all this take?
There is no way of knowing how long a person will take to get over the intense feelings associated with breaking up. With some people it takes weeks, for others it may be months or even years. It depends on the length and nature of the relationship, the way the relationship ended and the kind of person you are. Be patient with yourself and try to learn the difference between giving yourself time for recuperation and reflection and becoming stuck in a pattern that doesn’t allow for growth.
Where do I go from here?
You may feel pressure from others or even from within yourself to get on with life and put the past behind you as soon as possible. However before you can completely close this chapter of your life you need to sort out your thoughts and feelings, acknowledge them and learn from them. By identifying what went wrong in the relationship, what your part in it was and how you’d like things to be different in the future, you can better ensure that you won’t find yourself in the same situation in future relationships.
Stages of a Breakup
Going through the stages of a breakup is a normal part of healing after a relationship ends. These stages include denial (not accepting the breakup), anger (feeling mad or upset), bargaining (trying to negotiate to get the relationship back), depression (feeling sad or down), and acceptance (coming to terms with the breakup and moving on). Everyone experiences these stages differently, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. It takes time to heal, and it’s important to be patient with yourself as you go through these stages.
- In the denial stage, you may find yourself unable to accept that the relationship is truly over. You may cling to hope that things will work out, even if the evidence suggests otherwise. This stage can be characterized by feelings of shock, disbelief, and numbness.
- Anger is a common emotion in the aftermath of a breakup. You may feel betrayed, hurt, or resentful towards your ex-partner. It’s important to express your anger in healthy ways, such as through exercise or talking to a therapist. Holding onto anger can hinder your healing process.
- Bargaining is a stage where you may try to negotiate or make deals with your ex in an attempt to salvage the relationship. This can be a vulnerable and desperate time, but it’s important to remember that you cannot force someone to love you or stay with you. Accepting this reality is an essential step in moving forward.
- Depression is when you may feel deep sadness, loneliness, and a lack of motivation. It’s important to reach out for support during this stage, whether that be from friends, family, or a therapist. Remember that it’s okay to ask for help.
- Finally, acceptance is the stage where you begin to come to terms with the end of the relationship. You may still have moments of sadness or longing, but overall, you are able to move forward with your life. This stage is characterized by a sense of peace and a renewed focus on your own well-being.
How to Deal With a Breakup
How to deal with a breakup? Healing from a breakup is not a linear process. It involves ups and downs, good days and bad days. Be patient with yourself as you navigate through the fluctuations, understanding that it takes time to heal and everyone’s journey is unique. Allow yourself the space to grieve, heal, and grow at your own pace.
- One of the most important steps you can take is to focus on self-care. This means taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep, eating nutritious meals, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Taking care of yourself will help you build resilience and cope with the emotions that arise.
- Another helpful step is to create a support system. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and offer support. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and provide a sense of belonging.
- In addition to self-care and support, it’s important to set boundaries with your ex. This may mean limiting contact or unfollowing them on social media. Seeing constant reminders of your past relationship can hinder your healing process. Give yourself the space you need to heal and move forward.
What Not to Do After a Breakup
In addition to knowing what steps to take, it’s also important to know what not to do during a breakup. These behaviours can hinder your healing process and prolong your pain.
- Firstly, avoid isolating yourself. While it’s natural to want some alone time, isolating yourself for long periods can lead to increased feelings of sadness and loneliness. Make an effort to reach out to loved ones and engage in social activities, even if it feels challenging.
- Secondly, avoid using unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as alcohol or drugs, to numb your pain. While these substances may provide temporary relief, they can ultimately hinder your healing process and lead to additional problems. Instead, seek healthy coping mechanisms such as exercise, meditation, or talking to a therapist.
- Lastly, avoid rushing into a new relationship. While it may be tempting to seek validation or distraction from the pain of the breakup, entering into a new relationship too soon can prevent you from fully healing and learning from your past experiences. Take the time you need to focus on yourself before pursuing a new romantic connection.
Focusing on Long-Term Recovery
While short-term steps are important, it’s also crucial to focus on long-term recovery. This means taking steps to heal and grow from the breakup, rather than getting stuck in a cycle of pain and resentment.
- One helpful strategy is to engage in activities that promote self-discovery and personal growth. This could include trying new hobbies, taking up a new sport, or pursuing a passion you’ve always had. Exploring new interests and expanding your horizons can help you build a sense of identity outside of the relationship.
- Additionally, it can be helpful to reflect on the lessons you’ve learned from the breakup. What patterns or behaviours contributed to the end of the relationship? What do you want to do differently in future relationships? Taking time to reflect and learn from your experiences can help prevent similar issues in the future.
- Forgiveness is a key component of long-term recovery. This doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning what happened, but rather, letting go of the anger and resentment that may be holding you back. Forgiveness is a process, and it may take time. Be gentle with yourself as you work towards forgiving both others and yourself for any perceived shortcomings or mistakes. Remember that everyone is human and deserves compassion, including yourself
Get help
You may feel like withdrawing from people altogether at this time but it really helps to share your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or family member. It may also help to put your feelings in writing.
Counselling can help you get some perspective on this rapidly changing and confusing time. This can be especially helpful when you get the feeling that your friends are fed up with the subject of your break-up! The goal would be not just to get through this bad patch, but also to rebuild a new life.
Be patient with yourself
You can’t avoid the pain, but you will get over it – eventually. Meanwhile, treat yourself gently and give yourself time to recover. Spend time with people in whose company you feel comfortable. Eat well and exercise.
Gradually you will find that your negative feelings will start to fade and you will be able to start afresh.
Till then – hang in there!
1to1help is India’s leading Employee Assistance Program (EAP) service provider with a reputation for quality with integrity. We support organizations to improve employee well-being, through a variety of programmes. Visit 1to1help.net to learn more about how we can help you and your organization.
11 Tips for a Newly Married Couple
Marriage, they say, transforms your perspective on life. You grow as a person and maybe discover aspects of yourself that you didn’t know existed! As a newly married couple, the first few years of marriage often lays the foundation for a lifelong partnership, clichéd as it may sound. It is a time of tremendous adjustment and tempering expectations. Even if you have known your partner for many years it is still a different ball game when you are living with the person. You may experience mixed emotions like excitement, apprehension, surprise, joy, disillusionment, confusion and sometimes frustration.
Each person’s experience is different as we are complex beings. While there is no manual to navigate the sometimes choppy waters of marriage, knowing what to expect certainly helps.
Tips every newly married couple should know
Here are a few pointers to keep in mind during the first few years of marriage.
Accepting and Embracing Differences
After the buzz of romance and roses wears off, newlyweds often find that reality sets in rather quickly! They realize that there is a big chasm between getting married and being married. Differences that seemed trivial before marriage now take on different proportions. It could be sleeping habits, dietary preferences, the movies that you watch or the music that appeals to you. While courting you may be more accommodating but things may change when you live together. Talk amicably about your differences and make the effort to accommodate each other’s interests.
Embrace the diversity within your marriage and appreciate the unique qualities that your partner brings to the relationship. Celebrate each other’s strengths and support each other in areas where growth is needed. Remember that it’s the combination of your individual differences that makes your marriage strong and enriching. By accepting and embracing each other’s differences, you create a safe and nurturing environment for personal growth and the flourishing of your newly married relationship.
Balancing Individuality in a Marriage
While it’s natural to become deeply intertwined in each other’s lives after marriage, it’s important to maintain a sense of individuality. Balancing individuality within marriage allows both partners to continue growing as individuals and brings unique perspectives and experiences to the relationship. Embrace and celebrate each other’s interests, hobbies, and passions, even if they differ from your own.
Encourage each other to pursue personal goals and give each other the space and support needed to thrive as individuals. Remember that you were attracted to each other’s individuality before marriage, and that should not change. By nurturing your own identities and interests, you will bring more fulfilment and happiness to your newly married relationship, ultimately strengthening the bond between you and your spouse.
Building a Relationship with In-laws
The first year of marriage is a defining moment for building a solid relationship with your in-laws. In the Indian context, it is a crucial bond to maintain. Parents are concerned and anxious about their children’s well-being and this may translate into constant interaction which can sometimes border on interference. Differences often crop up because of disruptive patterns of communication with the in-laws. Things can be smooth if both partners discuss about how much parental engagement is acceptable and accordingly set their boundaries with their respective parents. It is difficult to deal with a third person in the marriage even if it is from well-meaning parents. At the same time showing love, respect and appreciation for the parents is very important.
Setting Expectations
It is very important to be clear about each of your roles in running the household. As a newly married couple, if both partners have clearly defined roles with regard to sharing chores, paying bills and financial planning, then there are fewer chances of clashes. Don’t allow the first flush of idealism blind you to practical matters of daily living. A fair distribution of responsibilities will make both partners feel validated and not become resentful of taking on more than their share.
Be realistic in your expectations and understand that compromise and flexibility are key to any successful marriage. Remember that your expectations may evolve over time, and it’s important to revisit them periodically to ensure they align with the growth and changes in your relationship. By setting clear expectations and maintaining open lines of communication, you can create a healthy and harmonious married life based on trust, respect, and shared values.
Discussing Mutual Goals & Values
Share your perspective on career goals and money matters with your partner. Money is one of the major causes of differences between couples. This is where values come into play. If each partner has a different philosophy toward money management then it is a recipe for disaster. So try and sort out differences right at the beginning so that it doesn’t create a rift. It is also a good idea to discuss core values about religious beliefs as this also is a sensitive matter. While one partner may decide that spending on religious functions is necessary, the other may think it is a waste of money. Lay out all your cards on the table and have a healthy debate rather than viewing it as an insurmountable issue.
By aligning your expectations, goals, and values, you can work together as a team towards a future that is fulfilling for both of you. Remember that these conversations are ongoing and may evolve over time, so make it a habit to regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are still on the same page. By discussing and understanding each other’s expectations, goals, and values, you build a strong foundation for a marriage that is rooted in shared dreams and aspirations.
Choosing Happiness over Being Right
Marriage is not about winning arguments or proving who is right; it’s about choosing happiness and harmony over being right. In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to get caught up in being right and lose sight of the bigger picture. Instead, focus on finding common ground and seeking resolutions that prioritize the well-being and happiness of both partners.
Striking a balance between what you think is right and what your partner thinks, is going to be crucial to keep the peace. Things are rarely black and white, so swimming in the grey is an essential part of a happy marriage! Don’t allow egos to get in the way of reaching an amicable agreement. Sometimes choosing to be happy over being right may be a better option. You don’t have to agree with everything that your partner feels but you can certainly respect their opinion without being disagreeable.
Giving Each Other Space
While spending quality time together is important, it’s equally important to give each other space and time for individual pursuits. Allowing each other to pursue hobbies, friendships, and personal interests outside of the marriage can bring a sense of fulfilment and personal growth to both partners.
As a newly married couple, you will probably be invited everywhere together. While it is great to spend time together, it is also equally important to give each other space. Take time to be with your own set of friends so that you are not in each other’s pockets all the time. Some amount of time apart is necessary to keep the spark alive.
Respect each other’s need for solitude and personal time, and encourage each other to pursue activities that bring joy and fulfilment. By giving each other space, you not only nurture your individual identities but also strengthen your bond by fostering a sense of independence and mutual support in your newly married relationship.
Communication
Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship, and it becomes even more crucial in a newly married relationship. As newlyweds, you may still be getting to know each other on a deeper level, and effective communication can help you bridge any gaps. Take the time to truly listen to each other and express your thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. Remember that communication is a two-way street, so be mindful of not only speaking your mind but also actively listening to your partner’s perspective.
Learning to Deal with Conflicts in a Newly Married Relationship
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and learning to deal with it effectively is vital for the growth and well-being of your newly married relationship. Instead of avoiding conflict or letting it escalate, embrace it as an opportunity for growth and understanding. Approach conflicts with empathy, active listening, and a willingness to find a resolution that works for both of you.
When conflicts arise, strive to understand each other’s perspective without judgment or defensiveness. Use “I” statements to express how you feel and avoid blaming or criticizing each other. Focus on finding a compromise or solution that addresses both partners’ needs. Remember that conflicts are not a reflection of your love for each other; rather, they are an opportunity to strengthen your bond by finding common ground and learning from each other’s perspectives.
Carving Out Time for Each Other
As life gets busier with work, household responsibilities, and other commitments, it’s easy to let quality time with your spouse take a backseat. However, it’s essential to prioritize and carve out dedicated time for each other in your busy life. Whether it’s a weekly date night, a weekend getaway, or simply a few moments of uninterrupted conversation each day, these intentional moments of togetherness can strengthen the bond between you and keep the romance alive.
Make a conscious effort to create a balance between your individual responsibilities and the time you spend together as a couple. Remember that the little things count, so even small gestures like cooking a meal together, going for a walk, or watching a movie together can go a long way in nurturing your connection as a newly married couple. By prioritizing quality time and making it a non-negotiable part of your routine, you will create lasting memories and build a solid foundation for your married life.
Keeping the Romance Alive
The most important factor is keeping alive the romance element. Sometimes daily life tends to occupy our attention completely and romance might take a back seat. So plan that candle-lit dinner or a movie followed by a long drive to take away the drudgery of daily life. Showing each other how much you care is a key ingredient of a happy partnership.
Marriage is a work in progress and yes it needs a lot of work! There will be times when you wonder whether you made the right decision and this happens to all of us. As long as you keep fine-tuning your expectations and accept each other without being intent on changing the other, you are on the road to a long, beautiful and nurturing marriage….truly made in heaven!
Remember that marriage requires continuous effort, understanding, and love. Embrace the joys and challenges that come with being a newly married couple, and cherish the precious moments you share together.
1to1help is India’s leading Employee Assistance Program (EAP) service provider with a reputation for quality with integrity. We support organizations to improve employee well-being, through a variety of programmes. Visit 1to1help.net to learn more about how we can help you and your organization.